Let’s Talk About MUSTerbation | Vol. 51

“Stop shoulding on yourself”

– Dr. Albert Ellis

Dr. Albert Ellis was a pioneer of cognitive behavioral therapy. He’s been ranked alongside Carl Rogers and Sigmund Freud as one of the most influential psychotherapists in history. You’ve probably never heard of him. After this, hopefully, you’ll never forget him.

Ellis pioneered “rational emotive behavior therapy” (REBT), a type of cognitive behavioral therapy. REBT’s goal is to teach people how to avoid unhelpful thoughts and the negative emotions that come with them. He went on to coin the term “musterbation” to describe patients who placed ironclad, unreasonable expectations on themselves, others, and life in general. These expectations show up in the language chronic musterbators use: “I must get this done today.” “They should really be more considerate.” “This simply has to happen.” Overuse of “must,” “should,” and “have to” are hallmarks of musterbatory thinking.

When you set unreasonable expectations for yourself, you will inevitably let yourself down. This can lead to low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. Life happens! It’s the same with others. People will let you down, but it’s almost certainly not about you. They’re just having a bad day. (Remember Hanlon’s Razor.) And, no, you don’t always pick the slowest line at the supermarket. It doesn’t always rain when you want to go to the pool. Fixating on challenges you can’t control just puts you in a bad mood. Unconditional acceptance of self, others, and life is a much healthier way to absorb life’s curveballs.

Don’t let setbacks and challenges rub you the wrong way. They go hand-in-hand with big achievements. Stay positive. When something truly must be done, roll with the punches, and keep going.

One question to ponder in your thinking time: Where can I give myself and others a little more grace?

Co-author of The One Thing & The Millionaire Real Estate Agent ​