The Apology (3 Min Read) | Vol. 137

February  7, 2025

“Clarity is kindness.” – Brené Brown

The Apology

I remember watching one of my leaders triage their email inbox during an important training class. I’d asked them to attend the two-day class to improve their hiring, a core element to their success. I got genuinely pissed. We’re a training and coaching company. And here is my leader disrespecting the class, ignoring the instructor, and distracting other attendees. I stewed. At the break I invited him to join me in my office for lunch. I spotted a Keith Cunningham quote on my bulletin board: “Nothing can change until the unsaid is spoken.” It made me pause. Had I even shared my expectations for how he should show up in a training environment? Actually, no. He’s not a mind reader. 

That mental shift helped me respond, rather than react, to the situation. Instead of unloading on him, I decided to apologize. 

When he arrived, I said, “I owe you an apology. I was judging you hard earlier in class. But I also realize I’d never shared my standards around training. I’m sorry for judging you. Would it be okay for me to share my expectations for how we show up in class?” He accepted my apology. I shared exactly what the performance standard was so there was zero ambiguity going forward. He took notes and, to my knowledge, never crossed that line again.

At some point, every leader will find themselves needing to reset expectations with a team member. Maybe they’ve been underperforming, missing deadlines, or not delivering at the expected level. It’s easy to assume they should know better. But have we actually set the standard clearly?

When I need to reset an accountability relationship, I use what I call “The Apology.” It has since become a reliable leadership tool for resetting accountability relationships. 

How The Apology Works

Instead of coming in with frustration or blame, I begin with an apology.

“I realized I’ve been judging you for [not doing something required or doing something inappropriate]. And I recognized that it wasn’t fair. The truth is, I never clearly told you what the standard was. I shouldn’t have expected you to read my mind. That’s on me, and I’m sorry.”

Then, I set the standard going forward—clearly, without ambiguity. I may ask, “Does this make sense? Do you have everything you need to meet this standard?” If I’m really on my game, I’ll recap the conversation with an email. 

This approach does three things:

1. It interrupts the defensive response. Most people expect blame when they underperform. Blame leads people to bunker into a defensive posture. An apology disarms them and makes them more receptive. 
2. It builds psychological safety. Research from Harvard’s Amy Edmondson shows that when people feel psychologically safe, they engage more openly in accountability conversations.
3. It removes dissonance. When people feel unfairly judged, they resist change. However, when given a neutral and clear standard, they are more likely to adopt it.

Accountability isn’t about blame—it’s about clarity. Before assuming someone is intentionally missing expectations, ask yourself: Have I set the standard clearly? If not, The Apology can be the reset button that gets you both on the same page.

One question to ponder in your thinking time: Who am I judging for standards I haven’t shared? 

Make an Impact!
Jay Papasan
Co-author of The ONE Thing & The Millionaire Real Estate Agent